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25 Jul



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    The battle for the Queer of the Year 2011 crown has already been a tumultuous one. 20 semi-finalists laughed, cried and answered some hard-hitting questions that not even Barbara Walters herself would dare ask. 14 were ruthlessly eliminated, making way for 6 finalists to begin cat fighting it out August 7 to 14 in Montreal! These are my personal thoughts on this crackerjack group of Queers…

    Yenna Woloshen: Oh Yenna, you be as delicate as a beautiful tulip. Your smile frisks my heart oh-so softly. I’m not coming onto you Yenna (cause’ I don’t swing that way), I just want to be your best friend forever. I feel like I already know you oh Doll-Like-One. On the outside you’re all doilies, daisies and dramatic eyelashes, but inside you’re really an iron-fisted ball crusher (and I respect that). You’ll take these Queers down no problem; just don’t be distracted by your own reflection in the mirror.

    Jason Wimberly: When I was a wee child, I played with fire and I got burned. So I know better than to mess with Wimberly. I feel like if Wimberly and I ever got in a fight, he’d either tickle me with his eyelashes until we made up and got married or he’d just stab me in the face with his stiletto. He doesn’t strike me as the kind of Queer who’s going out without a fight. Cue epic soundtrack music because Wimberly is obviously in it to WIN it. Let us pray he doesn’t break anything while he struts. Did I just hear something snap?

    Christine Rodriguez: If I had the honor (nay, the privilege) of being a indie-chic power lesbian with one feather earring and an asymmetrical hair cut, I would be salivating over Christine Rodiguez’s sleeping body all night every night. She’ll read me poetry (from the recordings I made outside her window), cook me meals (from the scraps I fished from her garbage), and laugh at my jokes (well, the hair doll I made thinks they’re funny). Christine. You’ll make all the Queer hearts go pang-pang, just check your emotions at the door or you’ll be tripping over heart strings.

    Timothy Warguleski: Oh Timothy, Timothy! Wherefore art thou, Timothy? Scale this wall and hop up onto this balcony here. Let’s just organize this better, OK? Forget the Friars, it’s 2011 so just TEXT me so we don’t both end up like Romeo and Juliet. Deal? Deal. Your accent is sexy and you’re the All-American dream boy of many. I hear you can sing like a bird? Just don’t let it hinder you. While you’re finishing that rousing rendition of “I Dreamed a Dream” in the shower, the other Queers are scheming.

    Celio Pereira: Hola, como estas? Just kidding, I know Brazilians speak Portuguese. It’s a common mistake that people sometimes make. Just as I’m sure people often mistake you for an angel. Seriously Celio, who are you so adorable? Will you be my boyfriend? Do you have a boyfriend? Do you want another boyfriend? I have no problem moving across the world for a Brazilian boyfriend. OK, so it’s settled then. You’re my boyfriend. You can photograph me walking your bulldog Bob. Sorry, OUR bulldog Bob. Too far? Just don’t let the other Queers take advantage of your kindness; being nice is a double-edged sword.

    Eric Perry: HUBBA HUBBA Mr. Perry! Blond hair, blue eyes and pectorals so hard they could crack a walnut. Just a few of your amazing assets (giggles). I’m less interested in the fact you design beautiful things for a living, and more intrigued by your horn blowing abilities. You seem funny and genuine, and I’m happy you’re living the life in the big city. Unfortunately, that won’t help you one bit against these other Queers. So turn that million-dollar smile into a bloodthirsty grin, if you want to win! Careful, your shirt has a wrinkle in it!

    Not only am I the gay life blogger, but I’m also a seer. Yes. I can predict the relative future. Tea leaves, crystal balls, life lines, it doesn’t matter because I can read the signs. Generally I just run on what my gut tells me. So here are my predictions for all the shenanigans that will happen during Queer of the Year 2011 BIGGEST SMACK DOWN: CELIO PEREIRA VS. JASON WIMBERLY. The Latin passion of Celio and the firecracker of Wimberly is sure to ignite some flames. Neither will back down until the other is burnt to a crisp. How will Celio’s Havaianas flip-flops fare against Wimberly’s 6-inch stilettos?

    BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE AWARD: TIMOTHY WARGULESKI YENNA WOLOSHEN. They’re here, they’re queer and they will make friendship memories that will last a lifetime. A Kodak moment, but where’s the camera when you need it? Oh it’s right here. Watching their every move. Do I smell an alliance brewing?

    MOST UNLIKELY BOND: CHRISTINE RODRIGUEZ JASON WIMBERLY. These two will butt heads from the beginning. But I wholeheartedly believe these two will find some sort of mutual respect for one another, bond over a drunken conversation about Ty Beanie Babies and end up leaving with a new close friend. Opposites attract, right?

    HEALTHIEST COMPETITION: CHRISTINE RODRIGUEZ VS. YENNA WOLOSHEN. Lesbians unite! Right? No, these two will be each others biggest competition. However, it’s not petty or malicious. No, these two are determined and enjoy the challenge! They respect each other’s strengths and both want to win fair and square. Sportsmanship first, winning second.

    Note: The hilarious views expressed in this post are those of Alexander Dunphy. You can find the official Queer of the Year 2011 contest on Facebook, Twitter and Youtube.


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